This was... sooo relatable. It's really nice to know you found out about being ace pretty soon. It can be hard when your mind keeps telling you you're straight 'cause you don't want sex in general so you can't be anything but straight... Which doesn't make sense now that I think about it, but yeah, that's how society works.
Anyway, thanks for your post. It always makes me feel better to know I'm not alone.
Thank you! And yes it doesn't make sense, but heteronormativity will do that.
Part of it is definitely that society sees queer sexualities as more inherently sexual than heterosexuality, so it's easier to imagine being straight and not wanting sex than being gay and not wanting sex. If we only understand being gay as "wanting to have sex with people of the same gender" than there's no entry point for a young, confused ace.
Thank you for such a generous essay, written, as always, in a beautiful way. As someone who knows you, it's lovely to both learn more through your writing and to watch you share things with a wider audience. <3 (because I have not figured out Substack emojis yet)
You asked how long it would have taken for you to figure yourself out if you hadn't come across the term asexuality at 14, and I raised my hand. Because I am living proof of that. Some people know these things innately, and are comfortable being themselves without a word to describe it or a community to back them up. But like you, I needed to find the word. And being much older than you, that word did not come across my screen until I was 31. And by that time, I was married to a man (for 4 years). So yes, I can confirm that comp-het can do a number on you! It took another 8 years for me to feel confident enough to say the marriage was a mistake and ask for an out.
All this to say, thank you for doing your part in helping to educate all aces who didn't know they were aces and to keep them from falling into the same comp-het and amatonormative ideas society pushes on us all.
Thank you for sharing your story as well! Our stories all need to be told, because stories are what show us that something is real; they show us that there is another option besides the heteronormative, amatonromative story society tells us.
thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us! (i say “this part” because you are an expansive being beyond your asexuality as well!) also, BEAUTIFUL artwork! much love 💕
This was... sooo relatable. It's really nice to know you found out about being ace pretty soon. It can be hard when your mind keeps telling you you're straight 'cause you don't want sex in general so you can't be anything but straight... Which doesn't make sense now that I think about it, but yeah, that's how society works.
Anyway, thanks for your post. It always makes me feel better to know I'm not alone.
Thank you! And yes it doesn't make sense, but heteronormativity will do that.
Part of it is definitely that society sees queer sexualities as more inherently sexual than heterosexuality, so it's easier to imagine being straight and not wanting sex than being gay and not wanting sex. If we only understand being gay as "wanting to have sex with people of the same gender" than there's no entry point for a young, confused ace.
Thank you for such a generous essay, written, as always, in a beautiful way. As someone who knows you, it's lovely to both learn more through your writing and to watch you share things with a wider audience. <3 (because I have not figured out Substack emojis yet)
thank you Jenna, sending you a <3 as well since I too don't have substack emojis figured out
You asked how long it would have taken for you to figure yourself out if you hadn't come across the term asexuality at 14, and I raised my hand. Because I am living proof of that. Some people know these things innately, and are comfortable being themselves without a word to describe it or a community to back them up. But like you, I needed to find the word. And being much older than you, that word did not come across my screen until I was 31. And by that time, I was married to a man (for 4 years). So yes, I can confirm that comp-het can do a number on you! It took another 8 years for me to feel confident enough to say the marriage was a mistake and ask for an out.
All this to say, thank you for doing your part in helping to educate all aces who didn't know they were aces and to keep them from falling into the same comp-het and amatonormative ideas society pushes on us all.
Thank you for sharing your story as well! Our stories all need to be told, because stories are what show us that something is real; they show us that there is another option besides the heteronormative, amatonromative story society tells us.
thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us! (i say “this part” because you are an expansive being beyond your asexuality as well!) also, BEAUTIFUL artwork! much love 💕
thank you so much!